I think I’ve lost track. Not of space and time but of where I’m going. Stupid!

Last night. I was feeling sorry for myself, I don’t like it when I don’t get what I want. But… Maybe you just aren’t supposed to settle for what’s around you and fight for the best. I think my nature is to settle.

Time to push! So in the words of salt n peppa, ahhh push it… Push it real good. You know it has to be serious to quote them. Grr!

Tonight my drawing shall be…. Fleet wood mac. Everywhere… Everywhere my head is, everywhere I’ve been and everywhere I want to go.

Some days i wonder why some people get dressed on the dark. Honestly. Im going to call madonna to discuss. I miss him. I’ve been a terrible friend recently. Also a terrible child as I’ve been concentrating on boys. Boys!!!! Idiot.

I really need a new jacket to prevent me looking like a wannabe mosher.

I need to cry. I can feel it. Its just sitting here waiting to come out. I am trying in vain to entice it. I really am. I need to the tears to fall.

I think I am finally realising, that I am alone. Yes I have friends. I do. I have fantastic friends but I need that something more. I need to feel loved and just now I really don’t. I don’t need a mans love. I need friends love. I need for someone to visit me unannounced. I need for people to make suggestions. I need someone to watch crap films with. I need someone who will give me a hug.

I have spent a weekend doing things that I know are only going to hurt me in the long run. I spent Friday with the reappearance who I love. Yes, I love him (not what you are thinking, in love with) I worry about him all the time. I wish I could help him. I wish I could let him see that someone does care about him. I do try but he can’t see it. In fact, maybe he does but no matter what I feel, I am not worth taking the chance on (he thinks) so this is always what it will be for me. I will think about what could happen. He is in the knowledge that Im there when he needs to talk. What about me ?

I had planned, as asked, this weekend to shop with GI. I have been shopping, spending more time with GI of recent. He is a fantastic friend. Well I think so. I think however the realisation has dawned on me, that my glasses are somewhat rose tinted and I can’t see anything clearly with this man. I long for our friendship to blossom, I won’t lie to myself. I do think there is so much potential there for something tremedous to happen. God I talk about it enough. BUT this weekend I had a wee bit of my heart broken when I realised that as I have really always known. This just isn’t going to happen. So now I lie awake in bed thinking that I am a horrible person, that I am unlovable, too fat, too…. just too shit basically. How can I let one person make me feel so low? He knows nothing about any of this. He just thinks I am a little weird. So what happens when you start to fall in love with a friend ? I wish for once I was going to have a fairy tale ending. This just isn’t for me it would seem. He spent our time texting and staring at his phone this weekend. While I sat watching pretending I didn’t care. How pathetic. I sat there and hurt. I sat there and didn’t mention anything. I put on my fake smile and I sat there and hurt. I am dissappointed in myself. I am dissappointed that I can’t just let it be friendship but more so that I keep putting myself in situations where I am going to continue to be hurt. I need for this to stop. How do you stop yourself falling in love with your friend, when you know the answer is to spend time away from them ? But that hurts too. This hurts alot.

I didn’t ever think I would be the person at 27 who would be alone. I just assumed life would fall into place for me. I assumed that as I worked so hard a boyfriend would just happen and I would be engaged like the other girls, or at least someone would want to marry me. I can honestly say I now have the fear!

So fear. What can I do about this? I think I am going to have to look at my fear and channel it.

I think I need to come to terms with a few things:

I need to be the most important person in my life

I need to not let myself get hurt

I have outgrown Glasgow.

3 things that shape me, but three things that make me want to cry.

So why can I still not cry ?

I haven’t been very yes for a month now. I don’t really know why.

Today I feel sad.

Today I do not know why I feel so sad. I mean the sadness you try really hard to smile but the smile hurts ?

I miss my friends. Not who they are now but what it was. Is it sad that I miss what existed but what not longer is there ? Will I find this happiness again. You are right. Of course I will. I know this but today and this week I can’t see it.

I miss feeling close to someone. Not miss a boyfriend. Just the closeness. The skin touch. The warmth, the smile without words. The small things. I miss this. I know when I find this again it will be great. But I miss it today.

I said yes to dating two weeks ago. It was a good hurdle. He is a good guy too. In essence. He might not think that if I write about him. Not that I care. This package is as it is. However my lack of relaxing and comfort touching or sympathy seems to possibly have once again repelled. I’m not heart broken. Oh no. Am I bothered. Honestly ? No. What does this mean ?

The reappearance has told me that we would be great together. I thought about it. Then I said it. I did…. What about your baggage. Your women ? Your life ? I have no answer other than boredom and that we would be great together. We would, but that risk will never be taken…

Sigh :(